Pour It Out

There is nothing quite like a Sunday evening bus ride when you can feel your life descending into an unintelligible mess.

While I waited for the bus, I made several promises to myself.

“I promise to never fall in love….I promise to never fall in love so easily. I promise to never ride a bus for the sole purpose of getting away from someone. I promise to always be painfully aware that some things are never meant to happen. I promise to never say it first. Above all, I swear I’ll never lay next to a man and be so certain about the way I feel towards him.

10:31pm

The bus pulls up to it’s designated stop. The doors swing open and I hastily get on.

“Stop?”

“Bloomfield”

Not many people take the bus at this time during the night. This is unnerving.

Passengers are settling into dirty, ugly cushions adorned with a pattern that was probably designed during the 90s.

I think about how my cat Django, needs to be neutered tomorrow, the fact that I have twenty dollars to my name, that I’m an ass for buying an expensive gift, if my body disgusts him the same way it disgusts me, whether or not I’m legitimately insane or just sad, why people insist on writing in moleskins’, and lastly, why in God’s name did I do this to myself?

Sometimes I really do hate myself, like completely despise. None of this insecure nonsense, I mean mortal enemy type of shit.

Prior to getting onto the bus, I made a promise in addition to the other promises; that I would not cry on the bus, but my vision was already sodden with regret and anguish. As you can see I’m extremely good at keeping promises and making appropriate choices.

“….but the moment never came..”

I am almost there, I am almost at my destination

When I get there, you’ll no longer exist in my world. You will be a shadow of a bad decision that only appears late into the night when I feel myself sinking into a dream cycle.

Unfortunately, when I do get off this bus I’ll still be in a great deal of pain and tomorrow morning will be incredibly difficult. When I do fall into a deep sleep, I’ll still be in love with you and for a short period of time we’ll be happy… but everyone wakes up.

I know fifty words for ending.

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