As a Philosophy major, I am consistently thinking about the infinite and the finite. How each one relates to my universe and the worlds of others. My Roman Catholic background only makes deciphering the two, that much more difficult. The notion of life being infinite and free of predetermination is rarely ever mentioned. At a very young age it was ingrained into my mind that God is the acting invisible hand in each person’s life; I believed this for a very long time, probably as recent as a few months ago.
After I had an abortion and lost my grandmother to mysterious and still unknown circumstances, I couldn’t help but believe that God was making me suffer on purpose; in some way I had upset God and now I was paying for it. When I say things like this out loud or even re-read them, I know it doesn’t make too much sense. It becomes especially uncomfortable when one attends a liberal arts University and everyone is just naturally in love with the idea of life being an undetermined adventure, simply awaiting to be unveiled.
I think I might have really fucked up this time.
I’m awaiting a phone call from the Assistant Dean of Students. Currently, I’m working and praying that when he calls, there will be no customers to hear me beg for mercy. I didn’t do anything wrong, it’s what I didn’t do that will determine my fate for this upcoming semester. How do you explain to someone, that you regretfully gave up a child and during that process became viciously ill, only to lose someone you loved more than anything in this world a few months later?- That’s why I didn’t complete my essay on Burke or the ethics of war, because I thought I was dying, both literally and metaphorically. I need to be a person again, with or without the help of God or any other high power.
Everyone is living multiple lives at one time in their own universe expecting to be someone in another person’s universe, while safe guarding their true emotions with functions, options, settings and profiles. Yet, it’s a mystery why everyone feels disconnected. A re-entrance into the world is needed and absolutely necessary. I got my wake up call earlier this week.
Still awaiting the Dean.