Side B

The wheel slipped between my fingers as I completed a left turn and so did everything else. It’s in those moments that you navigate the air waves for those low tempo songs. It’s when you discover side B of a Cd.

As I was making my exit from the mall (yes and?) I failed to hold the door for three…well I don’t even know if you can call them people. Two girls were treading behind some degenerate in a wife beater, except they were too busy fiddling with their blackberries to pay any attention to my ill manners. My lack of attentiveness did not slip past the wife beater. “Hey Bri? Ya know only girls without bellys’ are supposed to wear belly shirts.” Bri has decided this observation is quite obvious, ” Yeah, so? I don’t get it?”. The imbecile whispers, “Herrrrr”. (I wasn’t wearing one, just a form fitting shirt)

Now, I am not one to get overly upset about comments such as these. I can honestly say that I am okay with my body. Tonight was an exception; I’m pregnant. Once I had finally shut the door of my once white now taupe 2003 Hundai, I completely broke down and cried. I should have yelled, “I’m pregnant dirt bag!”, but I didn’t I just froze. I cried the entire drive home. I couldn’t stop thinking about every event that led up to this one. I have never wanted to hold my father so badly until tonight.

I will not discuss my decision concerning the pregnancy. The fact that I am sharing this is remarkable even to myself. This is life; things like this happen or at least that’s what you’re told when you urinate on a stick and the results are not what you expected.

Almost instinctively I desperately turned the nobs of my car radio, trying to reach out to anything that I might be able to feel connected with; I failed. In the midst of hysterically crying I shuffled through the three or four cds I had in my car. I found the black keys. The music still sounded foreign to me. When that feeling of total worthlessness overcomes you, all you can think about is who else feels this way? Where can I find them? Do they exist? Of course they do but you’re too hysterical to fathom anyone else’s suffering.

I did not have an epiphany and god did not speak to me via radio transmitter. In fact I just parked my car and stumbled into my apartment wondering if that man had a mother. I felt like side B of a cd as I climbed into my chair and held my stomach.

“I beg you…to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without ever noticing it, live your way into the answer…”- Rainer Maria Rilke


3 thoughts on “Side B

  1. I came across your site via the forums area. Glad I did!! The part you wrote… “When that feeling of total worthlessness overcomes you…” is something I completely agree with! I’m one who stews in my own demise instead of focusing on the fact that I am not the first or last person to go through such down times! I look forward to reading future (and going through your past..) posts.

  2. Okay, so now I know where you’ve been.
    But do you know how much you fucking ROCK? I mean, do you even get that at all? Your writing is a gift. This post is the proof.
    FYI: You haven’t seen mood-swings until you’ve been pregnant. It’s hell. And everyone lies about it. (I won’t cause I’m on this 30 days of truth thing. But you knew that already ). Chin up. Cause you’re amazing. Yeah, I said it.

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